"DIRQ MEETS SATIN" by ROB CAT ---------- It had been several weeks since the Frost-O-Rama Company - makers of ice cream and ice cream treats - went out of business. The factory, located on the outskirts of a national park, had closed down - due, supposedly, to the theft of one whole day's supply of vanilla ice cream. Speculation had it that a band of crooks had broken into the factory with a tanker truck, and emptied the entire contents from one of the factory's dispensers with the use of a fire hose... but only two Frost-O-Rama employees, and a lumberjack friend of theirs knew the absolute truth about the disappearance of the vanilla ice cream... It seemed that a raccoon had found his into the factory that one night, and used the hose to consume almost all of the frozen dessert - distending his furry body to the size of two ice cream delivery trucks! With the help of the lumberjack, the two employees had the bloated raccoon removed from the premises, and concocted the story of the tanker truck thieves - fearing that no one would believe the real facts. (Long afterwards, they began to doubt the facts themselves.) In the parking lot of the now-defunct factory, a big, black limousine pulled up to the building. From the back door, a very distinguished-looking gentleman stepped out of the car. In his left hand, he was holding a cellular phone close to his ear, as he was continuing a conversation he'd began inside the vehicle... "...Yes. The location is perfect. I'm going to like running things from here... No, no, don't worry about a thing... Whatever caused the mishap here, won't happen again. Light 'n' Airy Dairy won't make the same mistakes Frost-O-Rama made... "...Well, for starters, we'll be placing several security cameras about the factory, as well as here in the lot... If anyone, or any THING gets into this place, our special guard will have a battery of monitors to survey the entire facility, and catch any or all trespassers in the act... "...As for the inner workings of the factory, we're going to renovate the place... Yes, a complete overhaul... Instead of using those dispensers, we'll have our giant vats, like the ones in our New York and Chicago factories... That's right. We're using our cost-affective approach to making and selling our ice cream... Each vat will contain several spigots at the bottom... Each spigot releasing compressed air into the ice cream formula, mixing the ingredients without the use of cumbersome blades... Yes, our patented 'air-whipped procedure' had not only saved us a fortune, we could easily pass the savings onto the consumers... That's right, we COULD pass the savings onto the consumers... I'll think about it... Heh, heh, heh... "The renovations should be finished in the fall, and we'll be up and running by the New Year... Don't worry about a thing, Chief. Like I'd said before, where Frost-O-Rama screwed up, Light 'n' Airy will succeed... You have my word on it!" And with that, the distinguished-looking gentleman (evidentally, a CEO) closed up his cellular phone, put it away in his jacket pocket, got back into the limousine, and gave some orders to his chauffeur, who drove the two of them off of the parking lot. ---------- About that same time of day, in a very remote section of the national park, one of the rangers was making his daily rounds. He'd entered a region where no other human beings (tourists and alike) were allowed. It was there that the ranger was helping to rehabilitate a small group of animals... Well, to call these animals 'small' wouldn't be telling the truth... in fact, calling them 'animals' would seem like a deception, too... if you saw what they looked like! It seemed that each one of these so-called animals were affected by human intervention and overindulgence in eating human foods (instead of what nature had required each of them to eat). As a result, each beast looked more like a giant furry boulder, with the head and legs practically enveloped within each body! It was the ranger's job to help each animal return to normal size, by giving each one small amounts of water (to prevent dehydration) and a few (very few) berries. He used a small thin hose to deliver the nourishment, into the mouth of each buried head. He would then reach into another orifice, and slowly rotate one of the legs, and would repeat the process for each of the other legs... This would be the 'exercise program' for each animal. Among the oversated fauna was a female grizzly bear who ate too many marshmallows, a red fox who loved cookies (especially chocolate- chip ones), a skunk who 'pigged-out' on candy-coated raisins, a squirrel who couldn't get enough of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a badger with a fetish for 'smores... and, largest of all, a certain raccoon who ate more vanilla ice cream than humanly possible! "Okay, Dirq," said the ranger, "It's your turn." After giving Dirq his ration of water and berries, the ranger reached into the giant grey 'orb', and rotated the first of his four submerged limbs. "I'm just glad each of you have reached your 'saturation point'... I hope you've all learned your lesson about eating human food..." From within his rounded body, Dirq could hear the ranger talking (muffled, but nevertheless clearly). He wished he could just walk away from this lecture, but he was still in a state of inactivity from all that ice cream he'd eaten... Suddenly, he'd sensed a feeling of motion. The ranger was rolling his massive body around the area, navigating the rotund raccoon around the other corpulent critters, before returning to the starting point. A loud gurgling sound eminated deep within the gut of the ringtailed rascal. His exercise for the day was over. "You're next, Red," said the ranger to the fox (or, what looked like a giant red pincushion, without the pins). ---------- Many months had passed. It was late Autumn, and 'tourist season' in the national park had long since ended. Many of the regular animals had begun preparing for the Winter hibernation period. As for the fat animals that the ranger was taking care of, nearly all of them had returned to their normal sizes, and were each released back into the woods. Only two animals remained: Dirq and the grizzly bear who loved marshmallows. By this time, each animal was able to see daylight again, as their respective heads were able to emerge from their slowly reduced bodies. Their legs had also sprouted out, but their bellies were still too large for the limbs to reach the ground; so, neither one of them could still walk away. The ranger returned to his 'rehabilitation section', and spoke directly to Dirq and the bear (who both wished they could still get away from this human chatterbox). "Bad news, you two," the ranger said. "The park is closing down for the Winter, and I have to go away for a while..." A simultaneous cheering noise came within the brains of the two animals. "...But I hate to leave you here alone. You might be attacked by predators, looking for food. So, I'm going to relocate each one of you to a safer area of the park." With that, the ranger began to roll the grizzly bear away - to a secluded cave, where she could finish living off of her own fat during the Winter months. An hour later, the ranger returned for Dirq, who chittered angrily at him. The raccoon tried to struggle, and moved his legs frantically, but to no avail. No matter how hard he'd tried, he couldn't get even one limb to touch the ground. All he could achieve was a slight rocking motion, back and forth on his (slightly reduced, but still distended) belly. "Come on, Dirq. I know just the place for you." And the ranger began to roll the raccoon away. This was the first time in months Dirq was in another section of the national park. He could smell pine trees and the remaining blades of grass. He saw mountains and valleys he'd never known to exist before. (At least, he saw them briefly; it's not easy to get one's bearings, when your head is spinning from be rolled around like a beer barrel.) The ranger and Dirq had stopped off on the outskirts of a picturesque clearing. A huge hollow log laid upon the ground in front of them. "Here's where you'll be staying, Dirq", said the ranger. "You should be safe and sound in here." The ranger slowly squeezed the gorbellied raccoon into the log, until he was well inside by a few feet. And then, he'd left... "That's it?!" thought Dirq. "Is he going to leave me here to starve to death?! Now, what's to become of me?" Moments later, the ranger returned with two small pans; one containing some fresh water from a nearby lake, and the other containing the last of the berries. "This should tide you over for a little while, until you're able to walk on your own, and search for the right foods again. Goodbye, Dirq." And that was the last Dirq ever saw of the ranger... As he laid there inside the hollow log, he couldn't help but feel like he was being tortured by the human who'd just left him. "Why would he leave food and water near me, when he knows I can't reach either?" he'd thought to himself. "Why isn't he feeding me anymore?" His stomach growled loudly, echoing within his new surroundings. "I'm so hungry. I've got to have those berries." He began to move his forepaws towards the fruit-ladened pan, but they still couldn't reach. Dirq sighed, and gave up. "Maybe tomorrow," he thought to himself, and slowly went to sleep... ---------- Time passed, and Winter had already arrived. A fresh blanket of snow covered the entire region of the national park. Even the hollow log Dirq was living in had a slight dusting on its surface (in spite of the trees overhead, that were to protect his shelter from the elements). The raccoon's inactivity for the duration caused his body to reduce even more; and one day, for the first time, Dirq was able to reach the pan of berries (the ranger had left for him). At first, he began gobbling the fruit ravenously, but then stopped and thought... "If I eat all the berries, will the ranger be back to replace them? I haven't seen him in a long time; maybe he won't be back. And it doesn't look like any berries could grow out there. I don't know when I'll find any more food like this again... I'd better eat just a few of these at a time, until I can figure something out." As Dirq began to contemplate his situation further, a dark shadow peered within the opening of the hollow log ahead of him. He quickly reacted, chittering in a very loud register, and bearing his teeth at the intruder. (In actuality, Dirq was frightened, knowing full well he couldn't escape - as he was still too full to move, and his legs still could not touch the ground. He was simply bluffing, in the hopes of scaring away this encroaching critter.) "Please," a gentle voice responded. "I didn't mean to disturb you... I was only looking for a place to stay until the snow stops falling." Dirq stopped chittering. His senses felt strange. He'd smelled an aroma he hadn't smelled in months, and saw a familiar presence from the shape of this shadowy figure; but he couldn't quite figure out what it was... Then, the sun had shone through the clouds, and casted some of its beams upon the shadowy form. It had a glistening glow on the greyish- brown fur it possessed... and it had a striped tail just like his... it was another raccoon! And not just any raccoon; it was a sow (or female)! "You have no idea how long it's been since I saw another one of us," Dirq remarked to the sow (who was confused by his comment). "Oh, but where are my manners? I should introduce myself... my name is Dirq." "Hello, Dirq," said the other raccoon, "My name is Satin. My parents named me that because of my satiny-smooth fur..." Changing the subject, she then asked, "How long have you been in there?" "Oh, longer than I care to remember," replied the boar (or male raccoon). Then, Satin had noticed the two pans in front of Dirq. "Are you eating those berries?" she'd asked. "Yes, I am," Dirq snapped back; then, he quickly relented. "But I'm willing to share some of them... if you're willing to keep me company." "Thank you," Satin replied, and slowly approached the pan with the berries, picked up one with her tapered paw and slowly munched on it. "So, where's your family?" asked Dirq. "Oh, I'd parted from them several weeks ago," Satin answered. "I'm on my own." "I'd left my own family months ago, in search of... er, food." Satin examined every square inch of Dirq's obese body. "Well, it seems that you HAVE found PLENTY of food!" The two raccoons chuckled at the obvious observation that was made, and then continued the conversation from there... ---------- Throughout that season, Satin kept Dirq company. She told him about all that took place in the forest during the past year. Dirq, in return, told her of his adventures inside the manmade area with the 'white stuff' (that caused him to be his bountiful self), and of the human who took care of him, upon his return to the forest. When the berries and water ran out, she would go into the woods to find more food for the two of them to share - which was not easy, considering how scarce any sort of comestible was, during Winter. (Being omnivorous, the raccoons dined on nuts, acorns, insects and small fish, among other natural foods.) Dirq was polite enough to allow Satin to eat first, and then eat a small portion of his share, afterwards. As time progressed, Dirq's size diminished, until one day, he was actually able to walk on all fours, without his belly scraping on the ground! Soon, the two of them were both able to hunt for food together - retreating to the hollow log, once their appetites were satisfied... ---------- As the first blossoms of Spring surfaced throughout the national park, Dirq and Satin emerged from their wooden shelter, to start a whole new day of food hunting. Dirq had taken notice of the fact that, for the very first time, Satin was now larger than himself. This was not just because she was eating more than he was; Satin was now bearing his children. It would still be a few weeks before the sow would deliver a litter of kits, and she needed all the nourishment she could, in order to feed them - once they were born. On this day, the ringtailed mates had ventured further away from the hollow log than they had ever travelled before. In fact, their trek took them close to the edge of the park itself. By mid-morning, the two had encountered a strange sight: the green grass had been replaced by a hard, black surface. It was a manmade roadway. "My mother warned me about these," said Satin. "Many an animal got hurt going across this black thingy. Let's not cross it, alright?" Dirq agreed with her, and the pair continued their journey, scurrying parallel to the roadway (but close enough to the woods, in case they needed to escape from any predators). By early afternoon, they came across a large, manmade compound - with a tall wire fence surrounding its perimeter, a large open space with a few parked cars in it, and a big building in the middle of the area. Dirq and Satin approached the fence cautiously, and looked at the building. Dirq was starting to feel a strange sensation coming over him. "What's the matter, Dirq?" "I don't know. I just seem to have an odd feeling about this place... but I just don't know what it is." Suddenly, a door on the side of the building opened up, and two human workers in lab coats was exiting. The raccoons quickly ran behind a nearby tree - poking their heads out from behind it, moments later. They'd noticed that the two men were each carrying something with a handle on it. Curious about this, the duo followed the humans around to the other side of the compound, where they saw something familiar... a picnic table and benches! "I remember those things!" Dirq exclaimed. "So do I!" stated Satin. The two humans sat down, placing the objects with handles atop the picnic table, and opening them up. "What did your wife pack today, Herb?" said one human, as he opened up his lunch box. "Ehh... cream cheese and jelly again," the other human replied, looking down into his own lunchbox. "How about yours?" "Tuna fish again... Third time this week... Wanna swap?" "Sure, I'd... Hey, what's that over there?!" Dirq and Satin were spotted! "Hey! It's a couple of raccoons. They must've strayed from the park." The two furry fugitives thought about whether they should head back towards the woods, or just climb up the first available tree. "I wonder if they'd like a cream cheese and jelly sandwich," the second human quiried, as he began to slowly advance towards the fence. Dirq and Satin started to back up, keeping their eyes on the human being coming towards them. The man then began to break up his sandwich, and passed it through a small gap in the wire fence, the pieces all falling to the ground on the other side. Then, he returned to his co-worker at the picnic table. "You know, Herb," said the first man, "you shouldn't be feeding the raccoons. It IS against the law." "Only in the park," Herb replied. "The rangers can't bust us; we're outside of their jurisdiction. It's not our fault that the animals come out from their place for a bite to eat... See? Look at that!" Sure enough, the two raccoons, famished after their long journey, took advantage of this rare opportunity, picked up the pieces of sandwich, placed it into their respective mouths, and headed back into the woods to eat. "What did I tell you?" asked Herb. "So, now you're out one sandwich." "No problem... I can always grab a pizza in town after work." "Speaking of which," said the first man, who had just finished his lunch, "let's get back inside. The boss wants us to prepare the chocolate ice cream formula for tonight's shift." "Okay," said Herb, wolfing down his coffee and danish, as the two men returned to the big building. Meanwhile, Dirq and Satin had just finished eating Herb's sandwich. "Urp!" muttered Satin. "That was delicious! Nuts and berries were never like THIS!" "Well, humans have been known to eat strange things," said Dirq. "We should really avoid them at all costs." "Are you kidding? Who knows what else they might have in those square boxes? I'm going back!" "Wait, Satin!" But it was too late. Satin ran back to the fence, only to discover that the two humans were gone. "They must've went inside that big white box they came from. I'll bet you there's more food in there!" "Even so," said Dirq, who finally caught up with her, "we shouldn't be here. Remember what I'd told you about MY experiences inside the human place with all that 'white stuff' I ate..." "Was THIS the 'white stuff' you're talking about?" asked Satin, pointing to one last blob of cream cheese on the ground next to the fence - a blob now covered with ants. Dirq sniffed the white blob. "No," he said. "That's not it at all. It had more of a sweet scent to it." "Then what are you worried about?" "I still have a strange feeling about this place... like I might've been here before." "Look, Dirq. I'm still very hungry... and in case you've forgotten, I'm now eating for our yet-to-be-born family," Satin explained, pointing to her slightly bulging belly. "We could spend all day looking in the forest for food, and come up empty-pawed... or, we could go inside that big white box and find more smaller boxes filled with other goodies..." "Alright! Alright!" shouted Dirq. "We'll go inside... but we'd better wait until after sunset, when everyone's asleep." "Thank you, Dirq. You won't regret it." And with that, Satin scooped up the blob of cream cheese, and popped the whole thing into her craw, ants and all! "She may say that," thought Dirq, "but I just can't shake off this sensation of impending doom..." ---------- As twilight approached, the two raccoons went up to the wire fence, and carefully looked for any signs of humans. There were none about. Dirq began to dig furiously with his forepaws. Within a short span of time, he was able to make a hole deep enough to crawl under the fence. But when the pregnant sow tried to crawl beneath the narrow space, she got stuck! "Looks like you'll have to stay behind," said Dirq. "Oh, no," retorted Satin. "I'll just back up, and you can make this hole larger for me. I didn't come this far, just to be left back." Dirq sighed. "Alright... back up and I'll make more room for you." Satin complied, as the boar resumed his digging from the other side of the fence. Moments later, Satin was just barely able to squeeze her way into the compound. "Now, let's find a way to get inside that big white box, and all of the goodies therein," she said - already running well ahead of her mate. Dirq was deeply concerned about Satin's obsession with human food... not to mention the fact that he'd wondered if she'll be able to squeeze through that hole again on the return trip (if she ever did find and eat large amounts of edibles). "Wait for me!" he cried out, catching up with her at the base of a large trash dumpster next to the building. "Maybe there's a way we could get inside from the top of this box," Satin suggested. "Well, there's only one way to find out... Let's start climbing," said Dirq. The duo managed to climb upon the closed dumpster; and then used their paws to lift the hatch of the dumpster, until it leaned against a horizontal drain pipe directly above them. Mounting an assault on the steep incline of the hatch, they both made it to the drain pipe, and began to crawl along the edge of the building - risking their furry lives in the process. (One slip, and it could be a deadly one-story drop onto the hard pavement below.) They eventually encountered a vertical drain pipe at the corner of the building. "What now?" asked Satin. "We go up, what else?" said Dirq. And the twosome began yet another upward climb, as they got closer and closer to the roof... ---------- All of this activity did not go unnoticed from within the confines of the building. A number of cameras were planted all over the compound. One of them, planted outside, was poised directly at the ringtailed duo... A security guard - figuring that this was just going to be another dull detail - thought he saw some movement on one of the monitors at his station desk. He quickly picked up his phone, pushed a few buttons, and waited for a response... "Hello, sir. I wish to report a sighting here at the factory... Two small mammal-like objects crawling along the outside wall... No, they looked too big to be rats... I'm going to step outside and investigate. Let me put you on 'hold' for the moment..." The guard left the building, carrying a small flashlight with him. He aimed it towards the horizontal drain pipe, and then up along the vertical pipe towards the roof. He then remembered that there was a camera on the roof, and raced back inside to see if there was any movement on the monitor connected to that camera... By that time, Dirq had found a small air vent on top of the roof, which he and Satin were able to crawl into. When the guard saw nothing happening on the roof, he picked up his phone, pushed the 'hold' button, and resumed his chat with the other party. "Sorry, sir... False alarm... But don't worry; if anyone were to break into the factory, all I have to do is push the emergency alarm button, and wait for the police to arrive... Yes, sir... Good night, sir." And with that, the guard sat back down at his desk, with a battery of monitors in front of him, and a pot of fresh-brewed coffee to his right. "Just another routine evening," he'd thought to himself. ---------- Dirq and Satin slowly crawled through the small, square maze of ducts, feeling a slight breeze through their fur. Luckily for them, the air conditioning wasn't set on 'high'; otherwise, they might've froze to death! Then, Dirq came across some bright light up ahead, and crawled to a vented opening of a very large room. There, he saw the two co-workers from earlier in the day, once again carrying their lunch boxes, and approaching an object on the wall... It was a familiar object to Dirq... it was... a large clock with a bunch of cards below! Dirq panicked, and turned around towards Satin. "We've got to get out of here!" he said. "THIS IS the manmade place with the 'white stuff' in it!" "Your jumping to conclusions, Dirq!" "Am I?" he'd questioned her. "Why do I suddenly smell something sweet in the air?" "Relax," Satin said, trying to calm her mate down. "You're letting your imagination run away with you... Let's just find some food - any food - and then we'll leave." "Alright," Dirq said reluctantly, and returned to the vented opening, where he saw the two co-workers, who took out their cards from beneath the clock and each one proceeded to 'punch out' for the night. "I'll tell you what, Herb," said one human to the other, "If my wife serves me tuna again tomorrow, I might want to you to give me the address of that pizza parlor in town!" "You got a deal!" replied Herb. And the two co-workers entered a narrow hallway, and left through a door, leading to the parking lot. From his vantage point, Dirq looked around the room, and saw another familiar sight from his past... a large pair of swinging doors! He was dead certain that this WAS the place he was in before, but he didn't want to continue arguing with Satin about it; so, he continued looking around, until he saw more ducts - including one that led into a room on the other side of the swinging doors. "Let's go this way," he instructed his mate, as the pair continued through the metallic labyrinth. They crawled along until Dirq saw another ray of light shining through another vented opening. He slowly inched his way to it, fearing that what he'll see was exactly the same room he was in many months ago (and the last thing he saw, before his head was immersed into his swollen body, from all the 'white stuff' that he ate). Peeking through the opening, he was stunned (but not shocked) at what he saw. "Where's the machine? Where's the belt? Where are the cans? Where's the hose?" Once again, it was up to Satin to calm down an otherwise-confused Dirq. "You see? I told you there was nothing to worry about." "Then why do I still smell that sweet scent? It seems to be stronger in here!" "Let me take a look," said Satin. Peering through the vented opening, she saw three large open-topped vats, each one containing a dark brown, bubbling ooze - with an aroma that had her reeling. "Whoa!" she stated. "No 'white stuff' down there... but whatever that 'brown stuff' is, it's pretty inviting! Let's check it out..." "I don't know if we should," said Dirq. But his remark fell on deaf ears, as Satin began to claw her way out of the vented opening. She'd pushed against the grating with all of her might, and successfully dislodged it... but in doing so, she also fell out of the air duct, and plummeted directly into one of the vats of chocolate ice cream, being prepared for air-whipping! The grating landed on the floor with an audible crash... which woke up the security guard, who was dozing off for the moment! He immediately got to his feet, and ran to the source of the noise... With a resounding 'plop!', Satin had landed in the middle of the 'brown stuff' causing a small splash, and then she had disappeared. "Satin!" cried Dirq. He quickly thought to himself, "I've got to do something, and fast!" But, before Dirq could make a move, he saw the guard enter the 'vat room'. The raccoon ducked inside the duct (so as not to be seen). The guard saw the loosened grating on the floor, looked up at the duct and saw the gaping opening on its side. Dirq feared that the guard would catch him for sure... But, the human didn't even think for a second about how the grating fell. He just left the room, muttering to himself about how this old building was falling apart. "Yeah, definitely a 'fixer-upper'. I'll let the boss know in the morning..." Breathing a sigh of relief, Dirq carefully crawled out of the opening, and on top of the duct (which was suspended a few feet below the ceiling). He quickly crawled along, until he saw a catwalk just a few feet below the duct. He wanted to jump down, but was worried that the noise of his landing would bring back the guard. So, he continued to franticly search for a way down... and he'd found it! A narrow, vertical support column was right next to both the duct and another catwalk. Carefully, he climbed down the column, until he was able to balance himself on the safety railing, and jump down upon the catwalk. Dirq hurried over to the vat that Satin fell in. He began to pace back and forth around the giant vessel, hoping that he might be able to see her. Every so often, a few bubbles would come to the surface, keeping Dirq hopes up that his mate was still alive... Suddenly, a large brown bubble formed on the surface... but instead of a loud 'pop' when it had burst, the sound it had made was more like a 'burp!' Flecks of chocolate ice cream splattered about the edge of the vat (and partially on Dirq), as Satin emerged, covered from head to tail in the dairy confection. "Come on in, Dirq! This stuff's terrific!" "Alright, Satin. You've had your fill... let's go home." But Satin became very obstinate. "Hey! I'll tell you when I've had enough... Don't forget, this is for the kits I'm going to have!" She then floated on her back (like a sea otter) and pointed to her belly again - which had since grown to twice its size, from all the chocolate ice cream the expectant mother ate! "Look, I don't want the same thing that happened to me happen to you... Now, get out of there!" Dirq demanded. "No, I won't!" Satin remonstrated. "You were much fatter when I'd first met you, than I am right now. Like I'd said, there's nothing to worry about..." All of a sudden, there was a surge in the vat, and the brown liquid began to move about very rapidly, taking Satin by surprise! (As part of the patented 'air-whipping procedure', Light 'n' Airy Dairy's ice cream vats had timers set to go off sporadically, as the compressed air at the bottom began to churn the mixture, one hour at a time per vat...) Before she'd known it, the sated sow was swept in by an undertow. Now Dirq had a real dilemma on his paws; He wants to rescue Satin - who is now floundering, and on the verge of drowning - but he can't bring himself to jumping into the vat of chocolate ice cream, owing to the rehabilitation he had endured the year before. He can still hear the ranger's words within his memory: "I hope you've all learned your lesson about eating human food..." But now, newer words in the boar's mind began to conflict with his past thoughts. He can still hear Satin saying to him: "...in case you've forgotten, I'm now eating for our yet-to-be-born family." In that short moment of time, the words began to leap about his brain... "I'm just glad that each of you have reached your 'saturation point'..." "Don't forget, this is for the kits I'm going to have!" "I hope you've all learned your lesson..." "...there's nothing to worry about!" "...about eating human food." "...I'm now eating for our yet-to-be-born family!" "...'saturation point'..." "...nothing to worry about!" "...human food..." "...nothing to worry about..." "...I hope you've all learned your lesson..." "...this is for the kits... the kits... the kits..." "OOOOOOOOHHH! DAMN REHABILITATION!" And without another thought, Dirq dove into the vat of chocolate ice cream, in pursuit of his mate and his family-to-be... ---------- The murky depths of the vat were impossible to swim in, but Dirq was willing to make a valiant effort in finding Satin and pulling her out. The currents inside were strong, as he and his mate were uncontrollably swirling about in the mixture. At one point, Satin reached the surface, and tried in vain to grab onto the edge of the vat; but her paws was so slippery and her body was so bloated, she was unable to latch onto anything, as the manmade undertow pulled her below again. Dirq was having problems of his own. Not only did the chocolate obscure his vision, he began to lose his sense of direction... as he began to swim down to the bottom of the vat! "Can't...hold...breath...much...longer," thought Dirq. "Must...get...to...surface...Must...have...air...to...breath!" Suddenly, he'd felt a rush of air beneath him, which (at first) pushed him away, but he struggled to reach the source of the life-saving air... Finally touching bottom, Dirq felt around and found one of the spigots that dispensed the compressed air into the chocolate ice cream mixture. Nearly exhausted, Dirq grabbed the spigot and placed his mouth over it. "Phew!" thought Dirq. "I can finally breathe again..." But once again, Dirq felt another sensation he hadn't felt for a long time... his body began to swell up like a balloon (from the compressed air)! His limbs and tail jutted out in all directions, as his body began to expand, and his cheeks puffed up. "Oh, no! Not again!" thought Dirq, and quickly took his mouth off of the spigot. The air inside of his rounded body caused him to float upward, in the right direction. On his way up, he'd felt a slight 'bump', and realized that it was Satin. He wanted to swim back down to retrieve her, but he was too bouyant. He popped up above the surface, and bobbed on the 'brown stuff' for a few seconds, before emitting a belch, causing the air to rush out of him and returning him to his original shape and size. Then, a new thought came into Dirq's head: "If I can do THAT again, maybe Satin can hold on to me, and we can both float up to the top!" For the third time, Satin emerged on the surface - on the opposite side of the vat - struggled to grab the edge, and failed again. Just before the undertow pulled her in again, Dirq cried out to her, "Grab on to me, the next time I pass you!" But Satin was so disoriented by the ordeal, and her ears were so clogged with ice cream, she didn't hear a single word that her mate had uttered. Dirq swam down to the base of the vat as quickly as he could. "If she's going to grab ahold of me, the next time I float upward," he thought to himself, "I've got to make myself bigger!" Reaching the bottom, for the second time, Dirq once again felt along the edge for one of the compressed air spigots. Finally finding one, he grabbed on with both paws, as he prepared himself for what he was about to do (and what was about to happen to him)... "For the kits!" he declared to himself. Dirq opened wide and clamped down on the spigot (nearly breaking his teeth in the process)! The compressed air rushed into his body, which began to slowly expand again, his lower extremities jutting out once more. His cheeks started to puff up until each one was the size of his own head. He can feel that sense of buoyancy again, as his lower torso began to rise (like a helium-filled balloon); but Dirq refused to let go of the spigot until the moment was just right. Above him, Satin was still struggling with the currents. Suddenly, the uncontrollable motions in her part of the vat subsided (owing to the fact that Dirq's air-filled body was now wide enough to block off the other compressed air spigots). But now, she was totally exhausted, and could not swim another stroke. She was about to drown in the 'brown stuff'! Meanwhile, Dirq continued to grow bigger and bigger. He was slowly feeling his legs submerging into his ballooning body, when he decided that this was the time to let go and float to the surface (and hope that Satin was ready to grab him on the way up). He released the grip of the spigot with his paws... but when he tried to open his mouth, he found that he couldn't! Dirq had bit down on the pipe so hard, his teeth were imbedded into it! The air continued to rush into the helpless raccoon, whose girth had now reached the circumference of the vat itself! All four legs disappeared into that furry balloon body of his. And since he was at the bottom of the vat, there was nowhere else to go but up! "This can't be happening to me again!" Dirq whimpered, as for the second time in his life, his head sank deep into in his bloated upper torso. ---------- The security guard was taking a 'coffee break', taking his eyes off of his battery of monitors... But if he'd looked at the one monitor connected to the 'vat room', he might have noticed an odd sight, as thousands of gallons of chocolate ice cream began overflowing out of one of the gigantic vessels! (Dirq's body was expanding to the point that it was taking up space in the vat, forcing all of the 'brown stuff' out of it!) "Dull evening... Good coffee," said the guard, as he gulped down his umpteenth cup of the night. ---------- At first, Satin felt like she was slowly sinking amidst the dark muck... Then, she'd felt a soft 'bump', that began to elevate her, slowly upward. Suddenly, she'd broken through the surface... but still felt like she was rising. Sputtering and coughing out the excess 'brown stuff' she'd nearly drowned in, she tried standing up on her hind legs - only to slip, fall backwards, and slide down a smooth, round incline to the outer edge of the vat she'd just emerged from. Still reeling from the experience, Satin tried standing up on her hind legs again, and was just barely able to do it (as her ice cream-filled belly was nearly touching the ground). She then slowly turned around and saw an enormous grey furry bulge - with a thin coat of chocolate ice cream, scattered all over. Her eyes looked up at the apex of the bulge - as a small striped tail began to sink in and disappear... "Dirq?" This wasn't how he'd planned his idea, but Dirq DID rescue Satin! But now, it was Dirq that needed rescuing, as his body expanded to grotesque proportions. His expanse was stretched so much, he'd lost all sense of feeling. (He wasn't even aware that Satin was floated - by him - to the surface.) But the worst was yet to come... Dirq's body began to fill up the 'vat room'! The ever-expanding raccoon was desperately trying to loosen his teeth on the compressed air spigot. He tried rocking his head back and forth, but it was still a futile effort, as his canines and bicuspids had a 'death grip' on the pipe! As for the rest of his body, it was spreading outward (over the other two vats) and upward (towards the ceiling) - with Satin backing up away from the grey furry blimp, helpless to do anything about the situation... ---------- The security guard finally finished his coffee, and returned to the monitors. The first screen he'd looked at was that of the 'vat room'... "What the...!!" His jaw dropped, as he saw the sight of the immense 'bubble' forming over one of the vats! Immediately, he pushed the emergency alarm button, got up from his chair, grabbed an ax, and made a beeline for the 'vat room'! But, by this time, Dirq's expanse had filled up most of the room, so when the guard opened the hallway door and charged inside with the ax, he ended up bouncing off of the raccoon's taut body (like a furry trampoline)! Flying backwards, he hit the base of the wall opposite the door, causing a fire extinguisher above him to become dislodged, and dropped on his head, rendering the guard unconscious. Meanwhile, Dirq was reaching the limitations of his confinement, as space in the 'vat room' began to diminish (between the raccoon balloon above, and a two-inch accumulation of spilled ice cream on the floor below). Satin hid behind a trash can in the corner of the room, fearing that her beloved mate was about to 'pop' at any moment... But instead of a 'pop', she'd heard a 'cracking' noise, as the ceiling above was beginning to crumble. Fearing for her own safety, Satin tipped over the trash can, emptied out it contents, and turned it over, sheltering her from whatever was about to drop! Sure enough, lighting fixtures and some of the air ducts began to get crushed by the overinflated raccoon. The ceiling began to make a low moaning noise, followed by a creaking sound, and then (for just a second or two) absolute silence... Then came a crunch that could be heard for miles around, as the roof of the factory building finally gave way - flinging debris every which way - and the giant grey 'bubble' that was Dirq started to rise out of the structure! Soon, the raccoon's lower half (on the outside) was as wide as the building... while his upper half (still at the bottom of the vat) tried one more time to extricate himself from the spigot. Rocking his head in a series of wild gyrations, Dirq began to feel his teeth loosening their grip from the pipe. "One more jerk should do it," he'd thought... And with a mighty yank, he'd freed himself from the compressed air spigot; but his head sunk into his body so deeply, he was unable to exhale (in order to deflate himself). Then, he began to feel another strange sensation. It was like he was floating, but at a very slow rate... In actuality, Dirq's upper torso was slowly sliding out of the vat (lubricated by the rest of the chocolate ice cream on all sides of the vessel), while his lower torso was slowly emerging out in the open. As this was happening, there began to be more space in the 'vat room'... Satin lifted up the trash can she was hiding in, and saw her beloved squeezing out of the building, a few inches at a time. She then heard a 'bloop'-type sound, as Dirq's upper half finally came out of the vat, and continued to ascend through the massive hole in the ceiling he had made. When the last portions of Dirq's dirigible-like body passed through the hole, another 'bloop' sound was heard, as the raccoon began to round out, like the bubble he had become... Frantic to reach her mate, Satin ran (or, in her condition, waddled) across the room, wading through leftover 'brown stuff', until she'd passed through the door left open by the security guard (who was still unconscious). She saw another door down the hallway, and rushed over to it. The door had a horizontal bar - which needed to be pushed, in order to be opened. But Satin couldn't reach the bar. She looked all around the hallway, and found a chair, which she began to push backwards towards the door. Using every ounce of strength she had left (combined with the extra pounds packed into her chunky body, from the sweet repast), she was able to press the horizontal bar of the door (with the top of the chair), and make her way out (passing underneath the chair). She completely ignored the melted chocolate ice cream on the floor, which continued to ooze from the 'vat room', and began to slowly trickle out of the factory... Satin found herself out in the parking lot of the compound; but she couldn't find Dirq anywhere. She then looked up above the building, and saw a huge furry globe that was three stories tall (and just as wide), slowly descending in her direction. She backed away, as Dirq landed in the middle of the lot, bounced and rose again a few feet. A slight breeze caused the wayward raccoon to touch down a few yards away from his last landing point. He bounced up again, this time only a foot off of the ground. Finally, after a few more bounces, he settled down on the ground - rolling just a little bit, before coming to a complete stop. "Oh, my poor Dirq," lamented Satin. "What's to become of you?" Before she could do anything else, a pair of bright lights illuminated the entire body of the colossal raccoon. Turning around, she saw the gate of the fenced enclosure opening up on its own, as a siren sound was growing louder and louder. Not knowing what to do, Satin waddled into the darkness along the fence. ---------- A police car from town (summoned by the security guard, before having his 'freak accident') was rounding the corner, and entering the parking lot at full speed! The two patrolmen were so alarmed at the sight of seeing a three-story grayish sphere, they forgot to slow down! But by the time they'd applied the brakes, it was too late! 'BOOOMP!' Like a soccer player kicking the ball for the winning goal, the police car hit Dirq with such force, he'd sailed over the fence and bounced down a nearby hill and out of sight. The two cops were so stunned by the sight, they hadn't noticed the smaller, chubby raccoon, exiting through the open gate, waddling outside the compound, and following the bouncing grey 'orb'... One officer finally turned to the other and said, "I won't tell the Captain about this, if you won't." "Tell the Captain WHAT?" replied the other officer. The first officer smiled, as he and his partner left the car and proceeded to enter the factory building, unaware that they were about to become ankle-deep in melted ice cream, looking up at a hole in the ceiling, and hearing a bizarre tale from a befuddled, semi-conscious guard... ---------- Satin could hardly keep up with Dirq, whose speed had increased with each bounce down the hill. Suddenly, after a particularly high bounce, Dirq's enormous body descended and vanished from the horizon. Winded from all that waddling, Satin slowed down to a moderate gait, as she'd approached what turned out to be the edge of a very high crag. As she looked over the edge of the cliff, and worried if her beloved got hurt (or even killed) by the fall. Looking down, she could barely see Dirq's round body still in motion, slowly bouncing up and down at the bottom of the ravine, his white belly facing up towards her. She'd felt relieved... but only for a few seconds. Because of her extra weight, the earth beneath her gave way, as she fell off the edge of the cliff! She plummeted like a stone (turning end over end), holding on to her stomach, and realizing (to herself) that she'll never survive this disaster, or know what it's like to be alive, to raise a family of her own... "I should've listened to Dirq," she'd thought. "If only I could have him back again. If only..." Her thoughts were interrupted by a loud 'BOOOMP' sound, as Satin's descent ended abruptly, making an unexpected soft landing on her back, and sinking slightly into what she'd though was a white cloud... when (in fact) she'd actually landed upon Dirq's bountiful belly! So taut was Dirq's air-filled body, that Satin bounced up into the air several yards. She landed on him again with another 'BOOOMP', and bounced up to almost the same height... By the same token, Satin's additional weight was causing Dirq's head to slowly rise up from deep within his puffed-up upper torso. Every time she bounced on his belly, his head pushed up higher and higher, until... 'POP!' His head (puffed cheeks and all) popped out (like a very fat turtle)! And the very next time Satin landed on his belly with a very loud 'BOOOMP', Dirq unleashed a deep gutteral belch! 'BBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRPP!' And that was followed by a very long 'WHOOOOOOSH', as the air inside his massive body began to exit at an alarming rate! The escaping air propelled Dirq into the sky - with Satin clinging on to his fur for dear life! Dirq was whizzing around the atmosphere, like a toy balloon - doing unintentional 'loop-the-loops' and 'corkscrew turns' - zooming up to incredible heights! As he climbed higher and higher throughout his airborne journey, his body was getting smaller and smaller... He tried to close his mouth and stop exhaling, but the force of the air prevented him from doing so. Within seconds, his tail reemerged, followed by his legs (which he tried to use to steer himself, but was simply a fruitless effort). He was soon down to the size of a very large beach ball, when he'd begun to fear (to himself) that after the last of the air leaves his body, the two of them would drop like rocks on the planet below. At that moment, Satin began to climb up to Dirq's head, and saw how strong the air was escaping his gaping mouth. Without thinking, she shouted out loud: "For the kits!" ...and promptly placed her mouth over Dirq's! With nowhere else to go, the air entered Satin's body, expanding her already-large girth! Within seconds, the two raccoons were both equal in size and roundness (each one as big as a medium-sized beach ball)! They parted from one another, closing their respective mouths in the process - trapping the remaining compressed air inside themselves. As a result, they still were freefalling, but now at a much slower rate of speed... Fate was kind to Dirq and Satin. Together, they landed in the middle of a lake, submerged a few feet, and then popped back up, like a pair of corks! After a few seconds of floating and bobbing, each raccoon emitted one more belch, letting out the rest of the air, and returning to their normal size and shape. After a brief swim to the shore (which washed off the last traces of the 'brown stuff' from their respective bodies), the two raccoons stopped and rested. As they looked back towards the water, they saw the sun slowly rising from the east, its glow reflecting off of the lake's rippling surface. Then, Satin recognized some of the mountains and trees, off in the distance... "I know this area! We're back in the park! And we're not too far away from the log where I found you!" "That's good to hear," said Dirq. After a long pause, Satin apologized to her mate. "I'm sorry I acted so stubborn... so foolish... so, so..." "Human?" "Yeah." "Well," said Dirq, "this is one story you'll want to tell your family." "Haven't you forgotten? I'd left my family months ago..." "Not THAT family," stated Dirq, as he used his forepaws to gently caress his mate's plump belly. "THIS family." "Oh, yeah. THIS family... " "Yeah. Let's go home..." And with that, Dirq and Satin slowly made their way back into the woods... "Maybe later on, we could look for some crawdads along the shore, or some fresh tadpoles with berries... but definitely NO human food!" "Definitely." ---------- EPILOGUE By the time 'tourist season' rolled around, there were a number of happenings, both in and out of the national park... The Light 'n' Airy Dairy closed down its 'latest' branch, as it was estimated that the cost of repair work on the roof and interior fixtures of the factory building would eat into the company's profits. "Even if productivity were to increase, it still wouldn't be cost-effective in THIS vicinity," the distinguished-looking gentleman (aka the CEO) was quoted to say (to his superiors over his cel-phone)... The two factory co-workers got transferred to other branches of the Light 'n' Airy Dairy; Herb was sent to Chicago, while his long-time associate went to New York (and both of them enjoyed the pizza in their respective locales)... The security guard was fired, and is now considering a job opportunity as a forest ranger... The factory building itself would eventually be torn down, to be replaced with a very small national park gift shop (with a very large parking lot). But, to this very day, no one still believed that (for the second time) a raccoon was responsible for the closing down of an ice cream factory... As for Dirq and Satin, in late May they became the proud parents of a litter of three healthy young kits - who weren't named until after their fur grew in... The first born male had greyish-brown fur, just like his mother. "Marvelous!" exclaimed Dirq. "Let's call him Marvy for short," suggested Satin. The second kit of the litter was a young female, who - even after birth - showed signs of activity. Naked and blind, she still moved around beside her siblings. "Wow," Dirq observed, "she's just like an amoeba!" Satin eventually called her Miba for short. The second born male - and the third kit of the litter - had fur that curled up, and a curlicued tail (almost like that of a pig). Since Satin named the first two, Dirq had the singular pleasure of naming the third kit (appropriately enough) Curly... By mid-Summer, Satin had weaned all three youngsters, who were now ready to taste food other than mother's milk. For the first time, the trio had left their hollow log home, and followed their mother to see the wonders of the forest they lived in. Dirq tagged along, making sure that no predators would come near his family (but mostly because he didn't want to be left alone). Satin pointed out the various plants and trees to her offsprings, and explained about all the available foods for the picking in the woods... Marvy began to get bored, and started to stray away from the others. When Dirq caught sight of this, he began to follow his first born son, so that he wouldn't wander too far away from them. He caught up with Marvy on the outskirts of a manmade campsite, when the young raccoon saw something that peaked his curiosity. "What are those?" Marvy asked his father. "Those? Er, those are humans," Dirq replied. "They come here to the park every year." "Oh, there you are!" shouted Satin who (with Miba and Curly right behind her) finally caught up to her wayward son. "You know that we should always stay together and not get separated." "Yes, Mother," said Marvy. Then, looking up at Satin, he asked, "What do you know about humans?" "Uh... Well... More than you need to know at this time!" she snapped back. Suddenly, a group of campers saw the raccoon family. "Hey, will you look at that? Get out the camcorder; I don't want to miss this!" "Well, how will you get them to stay where they are, without scaring them off?" "Oh, I've got just the thing for that..." And with that, one of the campers reached into his backpack, and produced a small packet of 'Gummi Worms'. Holding up one of the jiggly treats, the camper bellowed, "Look what I've got for you!" And then, he whispered to another camper behind him, "Get the camera rolling!" Like a moth drawn to a flame, the three kits ran towards the human, then stood up on their hind paws, reaching up for the 'Gummi Worms'. "Marvy! Miba! Curly!" cried Satin, "You come back here this instant! Humans are not to be trusted, and..." "Never mind, dear," Dirq said, as he consoled his mate. "Let 'em find out for themselves..." *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   * 'Dirq', 'Satin', 'Marvy', 'Miba', 'Curly', 'Frost-O-Rama', and 'Light 'n' Airy Dairy' (C) JED MARTINEZ (aka 'Rob Cat')/Story dated April, 2002 (FOOTNOTE: Just as in the previous 'Dirq' story, certain character names involved a little apropos wordplay. For example, if you'd advanced each letter in the name 'DIRQ' the same number of places (in this case, three), you'll end up with the word 'GLUT'. For this new story, if you take the name 'SATIN' and go back six places each letter, you'll have the word 'MUNCH'. As for their three siblings, 'MARVY' = 'GULPS', 'MIBA' = 'EATS', and 'CURLY' = 'WOLFS'. In advancing, or going back any number of places, if you reach the end of the alphabet [Z], you simply start at the beginning again [with A].)